And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman Ph.D

Author:John Gottman, Ph.D. [Gottman, John M.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-38200-9
Publisher: Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony

Instead of colliding with abusive name-calling and making countercommands, Fred and Marley call out to each other from within their own vulnerabilities. Fred informs Marley that his emotional scars are being sliced open by the razor in her voice. And she takes heed. But she doesn’t retreat completely. She still has a complaint to voice. She just softens her tone so he can hear her better. Their exchange is a simple one. But above all, it’s respectful. And because Fred’s explosion is short-circuited, Marley is protected from her own demons surfacing.

When we stay mindful of our partners’ sensitivities yet state our needs clearly, we can skirt around our sharp words and have caring conversations instead. Talking about what psychologist Thomas Bradbury calls “enduring vulnerabilities” is essential for Fred and Marley. They need to identify what triggered them and made them go ballistic. Then they need to understand why these are their triggers.

One way to see where your vulnerabilities lie is by processing a fight you’ve had and examining its deeper layers. Think of a recent fight you’ve had. Was ancient history unearthed in you? Did your partner inadvertently trip over a crack in you that you’ve kept camouflaged? Did your partner’s behavior somehow remind you of someone else who has hurt you in the past? Some past betrayal or loss that still aches today? Or do you have triggers that you need to warn your partner about so they can be avoided?

The next exercise will help you to deepen your understanding of a fight you’ve had.

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